


We Ain't Ever Getting Older

by WhereverMySITakesMe



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: (Last Episode is Ignored), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blind Roy Mustang, But this is Debateable, F/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, i think the ending is happy, lots of discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29840358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereverMySITakesMe/pseuds/WhereverMySITakesMe
Summary: For years, Mustang and Hawkeye have thought of little else except their goals. But when they finally come to fruition and the two of them are tried for war crimes things take an unexpected turn.Together they struggle to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives- or rather, whether to live out the rest of their lives, something they had never planned on and never wanted.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 12
Kudos: 37





	We Ain't Ever Getting Older

For once, Mustang was glad to be blind. His head was spinning so much that he doubted he would have been able to see anyway. All he could do was grip Hawkeye’s arm and let her lead him.

_...Following orders which were legal at the time..._

There were crowds pressing around them, voices asking questions he couldn’t hear. So many people.

_...The actions that have been taken since then..._

“Leave us alone!” Someone was shoutinging. It could have been him “ Just go away!”

_...Complicated factors…_

_...The involvement of the Homonculi…_

Hawkeye wove her way through gaps in the crowd,  dragging Mustang behind her,  away from the courthouse.

_...Find everyone involved Not Guilty…_

_...Not Guilty…_

_...Not Guilty…_

They were alone now or close to it.  The  press of the crowd were gone  and the street was silent apart from the pounding of Mustang’s heart in his ears.

_Not Guilty_

Hawkeye was shaking and her breathing was ragged, almost hyperventilating.

_Not Guilty_

She was moving a little slower now, or him a little faster, and there was only a half step between them. That normally allowed him to move freely, feeling the shape of the ground through her  movements, but today he was far too disorientated and he stumbled, almost falling, again and again, over  paving stones and his own feet.

Hawkeye didn’t stop walking. He didn’t want her to.

_Not Guilty_

Rain started to fall, cold against Mustang’s skin.  The sensation  was  ground ing, distracting and Mustang could feel his panic ebbing. After a minute he found the presence of mind to say  “We should go somewhere. Inside”

“We can’t” Hawkeye’s voice was still shaky “Too many people”

“Riza, the rain” Mustang insisted. She was only wearing a thin jacket and would soon be soaked.

“I know, I know” She sighed. A couple more seconds passed before she lead them to the left “Here” 

She opened a door and stepped through it. Mustang reached out with his free hand. His fingers brushed cold metal and glass “A phone box?” he asked incredulously

“It has a roof” Hawkeye said with a shrug and slid her arm out of his so they could manoeuvrer around the small space.

It did and he didn’t have a better idea so he followed her inside and let the door close behind them. He stayed standing, leant against the wall, but heard Hawkeye sat on the ground and pull her knees into her chest.

There were serveral seconds of silence before Mustang said “It’s like they don’t know what happened. What we did”

Hawkeye said nothing.

“It’s not right.” He continued “They should have found us guilty, sent us to a firing squad. We **are** guilty”

“We could take matters into our own hands- into **your** hands” Hawkeye’s voice was distant “Go down in a blazing inferno. It’s what we deserve, in some ways”

“No.” He said immediately “I’m not going to hurt you like that again. Never”

There was a moment of strength and stubbornness before he said “But there are other ways to die” He dropped his head, ashamed of even saying it.

“It’s inconvenient that we don’t still have our guns”

“Or any money. Or a kitchen knife, even”

In the weeks leading up to the trial they’d both given away or sold everything they owned. It had been a reasonable way to make sure everything went to a good owner and there no loose ends left behind, after their deaths. At least, reasonable if you didn’t consider the possibility that they might go free.

Out of nowhere, Hawkeye laughed “Look at us. You were Fuhrer not long ago. Now we’re in a phone booth without a cenz to our name”

Mustang found himself cracking a smile as well “We’ll have to live off charity for a while. I’m sure the others will love rubbing that in my face”

At least, that’s what would happen if they didn’t “take matters into their own hands”, he realised, his smile fading.

“And then what?” Hawkeye was serious again as well “Rejoin the military?”

“I don’t know.”

“This is a mess.” She sighed “We have no idea what to do with our lives”

“One thing at a time” Roy lowered himself to the ground opposite her, his knees pressed against hers “If we decide to take matters into our own hands,” he borrowed her euphemistic phrasing “Then that’s moot”

“It seems like it should matter. Whether we have something to look forward to”

He frowned “This is a matter of deserve, not want. We agreed that”

“If we deserve to die, then why were we found innocent?”

“They made a mistake”

“Roy,” She took a moment to gather herself before saying “What if they didn’t?”

Mustang’s stomach dropped and he felt the same dizzy, sick feeling that had hit him when the court read their verdict “No”

“You’re not the Fuhrer any more. You can’t overrule the court”

“You were the one who brought up the idea!”

“I said we **could** do it. We can do whatever we like” She exhaled again “But I don’t know whether it would be justice”

He shook his head “Riza, the things I did… the pain I caused...” She hadn’t seen the agony he- or they- had caused. She had never seen it up close. Never watched someone’s flesh peel away from their bones as they howled in agony.

“I know. I feel the same way. Believe me, I do” Her voice was hollow and emotionless as she said “I can’t bear the idea of living with what I did. But I can’t pretend that’s a rational decision”

“You think we’re insane” He sagged into the glass behind him.

“Do you think we aren’t?”

Mustang said nothing. His guts were twisted into knots as he thought of the nightmares, the flashbacks, the heart palpitations, the nausea. The weight of hopelessness that never truly left his shoulders.

It was the same for her, he knew that. Oh, she hid it well enough. He doubted anyone else noticed the waves of..something that swept over her. But he knew the signs. Her spine would straighten a little more as her muscles tensed and the blood drained from her face. And her eyes would turn, once again into he eyes of a killer.

He never commented on those episodes or the nightmares she suffered when they spent the night together. She did the same for him.

“Okay.” He took a breath “We’re insane. Now what?”

“We decide whether life is worth living, I guess”

“How?” He ran a hand over his face “Until now we didn’t even know that was a question”

“I did”

He frowned again “Did...what?”

“Thought about… this”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It came out an accusation, unintentionally. Probably unintentionally.

“I couldn’t see any reason to. We don’t talk about that stuff. Until now” She added

He couldn’t deny that “Still, if you were in so much pain…”

“Roy, for once in your life, have some self awareness. I’m not the only one considering this”

He couldn’t deny that either. Maybe he too had always wanted to die, deep down. The thought was deeply unsettling.

“Did you figure anything out?” He asked, to take the focus off himself “There must be a reason you’re still here”

“There were reasons. But all of them relied on the fact we were working towards something important. Fhurerhod. Fixing the country”

“And now we’re done with that”

“And now we’re done with that” She repeated

“I can’t…” He swallowed “I can’t live without you, Riza. You know that, right?”

“I do.” She reassured him “And I have no desire to live without you either. Whatever we decide here will be for both of us”

“Alright” He said in a firm, taking charge voice “We both know where we stand. Now…” He stopped, not knowing what to say next. So much for taking charge.

“Now for the hard part” Hawkeye supplied.

“That” He didn’t no what to say after that. The decision was too enormous and his mind kept shying away from what he was considering. He was too ashamed and too used to suppressing his feelings to look at them head on now. Judging by Hawkeye’s lack of response, she felt the same.

Outside, the rain had started falling in earnest. The sound of water hammering into the glass filled the seemingly endless silence.

Once again, it was the weather and concern for Hawkeye that helped Mustang finally find his voice. “Here” He unwound the scarf from his neck and held it out “It’s getting cold” He would have offered her his jacket as well but he couldn’t get out of it in the confined space.

“Thanks” Riza took the scarf from his hands.

“The weather’s pretty bad out there” Mustang had a desperate urge to keep talking, to act normal

“I hope it doesn’t thunder.” Hawkeye voice was still distant but she indulged him “Hayate hates the thunder”

“Hopefully Fuery walked him before it started or they’ll both be drenched”

They should be worried about the weather too, given that they were technically homeless. But they would be fine. Fuery would let them sleep on his floor almost as willingly as he’d adopted the dog.

Unfortunately for the dog there was a sudden clap of thunder. The glass behind Mustang’s back shook, sending a shiver down his spine. His chest tightened and he found himself saying “I couldn’t eat, after Ishval. Threw up if I tried to force something down. Lost about twenty pounds before I pulled myself together”

Hawkeye took the change of topic in her stride, as though she’d been expecting it “I remember that, I think. How thin you were”

“We were both in pieces”

“We were.” She said “But we got better. For years now, we’ve been sane, competent, professional”

“Been able to **look** sane, competent and professional.” He corrected “If we were really better we wouldn’t be here, discussing this.”

“But we’re better than we were then.” She insisted “We must be”

“Then what we doing we here?” Mustang said in a rush of anger “Why are we even discussing this?”

H awkeye responded with a question of her own “Why does everything feel hopeless?” 

She didn’t sound angry, just sad  but he was raging to much to comfort her “Why isn’t everything we have enough?  Why aren’t our friends enough? ” 

“Will anything be enough?”

“Nothing will ever change what we did!” Mustang’s final yell was punctuated by a clap of thunder. The sounded noise made him start again, knocking the fight out of him and leaving him drained.

H e shivered against the cold glass.

This time it was  Hawkeye who broke the silence  “ Do you think they’d understand, the others?”  Her voice was still sad and pensive.

“They’d think we’re cowards” He answered immediately. “Suicide is a coward’s way out”

“Mustang!” Hawkeye was horrified “They wouldn’t be that cruel” 

He shrugged “I don’t care what anyone think of us, even our friends. Especially if we aren’t around to be affected by it” Plus, that way their friends wouldn’t suffer because of something he did.

She saw straight through hi m , as usual “They’ll be sad, Roy. You can’t possibly think that they won’t be”

“I know” He hung his head again “I can’t believe I’m even thinking about hurting my men like this”

“They aren’t your men, you’re not in the military any more” Riza’s voice was gentle, almost teasing.

“Still. We should…” He swallowed, forcing the tremor out of his voice before he said “We should put this discussion aside. Forget about it. For their sake”

“They wouldn’t want us to do that”

“Damn what they want”

“Roy, listen to me” Hawkeye’s voice was stern. “They are not your men any more” She emphasised every word, as though he was too slow to understand “They’re your friends and equals. If they don’t want you to make yourself miserable on their behalf, which they do, you should respect that” She was right, as always.

“I know. I know” He buried his face in his hands “I still can’t believe we’re even considering this”

“I know. But we are” She said gently, incredibly patient with his inability to grasp their situation.

“Without making much progress” Mustang lifted his head again “I’ve always been useless in the rain”

It was a joke, one which came out instinctively as he tried to deflect from his frustration and denial, but there was no lighteness in Hawkeye’s response “Normally I’ve got your back”

He knew she wasn’t just talking about the rain.  “I can’t rely on you  to be there  for me  all the time”

“I rely on you just as much. Looking after each other works for us. At least, it did”

“It worked because we were motivated. Without something to work towards… I don’t know if I can do it” He didn’t specify what he couldn’t do. He didn’t know himself. Cope. Help her. Exist.

“We could try to find something else.” She suggested “Go into politics. Help Ishvall” Of course, it would have to be altruistic. Personal ambition wouldn’t be enough for either of them.

“Will that be enough? Day after day after day, for the rest of our lives?” He shuddered to think of how long that would be. Fifty or sixty years at least. Thousands and thousands of days and just as many nights.

D id the fact he was  thinking like that mean he had already given up on life? H e could feel his inside s twisting threateningly and the sour taste of nausea tickling the back of his throat.  It was  just  such a very very long time.

A balled up scarf hit him in the face,  jerking him back to reality .  “Try not to throw up while I’m stuck in a confined space with you”  Hawkeye said, mock jud gementally .

He managed to snort  out  a half laugh,  still shaky “I’ll do my best”  He w rapped the scarf back around his neck, just for something to do with his hands. “ You know we aren’t actually stuck in here”

“Would you prefer to go back into the rain?”

That was a fair point. It wasn’t like they could have the conversation in Fuery’s living room. And it would be cruel to accept charity and then give up on life only a few days later “So we’re staying here until we come to a decision”

“Looks like it”

She was silent for a few seconds as Mustang reflected on his panic “It...it seems like I really do want to die. Maybe I’m only pretending there’s a debate because I’m too cowardly to go through with it”

“If it would make it easier, I could do it for you” Her tone was calm and collected. Completely serious.

It was a strange sort of kindness, offering to kill him, but he was touched “Could you  really  do that, Riza?”  He hated not being able to address her by rank, to hide behind hierarchy and formality.

“I’ve been ready to kill you for years. You asked me to be. And I’ve come pretty close” 

The Promised Day, a loaded gun aimed directly at his head. She would have done it, he knew that. Thinking about it now, that shocked him. The thought of hurting her… It was unbearable. “I’ve asked a lot of you, over the years”

“I was happy to do it all” She said, nonchalantly.

“I know. But still” She’d asked such little of him in return. Been endlessly loyal, patient and brave.

“Really. And if you need me to kill you, now, I will” So loyal, so dependable.

Suddenly, t he unfairness of it all hit him “You deserve your own life, Riza.”  He was animated,  gesturing wildly with emotion “You’ve given years and years to me and to your father. You can’t die because of what we made you do.  It’s not right.  Nothing that happened to you is right”

“You made me do nothing” She sounded almost angry “I choose to trust you and to follow you into the military and everything I’ve done since then. Don’t try to pretend I had nothing to do with what happened to me”

“That’s not what I’m saying”

“Then what are you saying?”

“You’re better than me. You were born into Flame Alchemy and all the mess came with it. In another life, things could have been different for you” Unlike him. He’d sought out power and thought that he could handle the risks. No accident of birth could have saved him from that.

“That doesn’t matter!” She was shouting now “You said it yourself, nothing will change what we did. That includes whatever would have happened in a hypothetical world where I had a different father!”

“You’re right. I’m sorry” He’s hurt her, he realized. It was cruel to remind her of what could have been and to bring up her father at a time like this.

She’s loyal like a dog and he hurts her.

It’s not the first time this has happened, not by a long way and, thinking about it, Mustang can’t understand why .  It’s not like it’s deliberate, if it was he might be able to figure out how to stop or she might finally give up on him.

But instead, the same story repeats over and over, both of them powerless to stop it.

They have other patterns too. When Hawkeye falters under the weight of her past Mustang is there, teasing and joking, to distract her and bring her focus back to reality. When Mustang sinks into depression and throws up a shield of increasingly strained humour, Hawkeye is there, somehow able to slip past his barriers and keep him from being alone while he claws his way out of the hole. When both of them struggle and break, they fall together, clinging on to each other and whatever else they can find to chase the darkness away until morning. And, when dawn comes, they go to work together to pretend that everything is okay, until, for a moment, it is.

They stop each other from falling too far.  But also from rising too high,  providing only distraction and no solutions.

“We’re never going to get out of here” He found himself saying aloud

“We aren’t?” Hawkeye asks, caught off guard by his sudden announcement.

“W aren’t. Neither of us is going to let the other kill themselves but we don’t want to say that we’ll never do it”

She took a second to process what he’d said  before saying “ That makes sense” He suspected that she was seeing their patterns too. “So now what do we do?”

“I don’t know” He admitted. Their previous logic for not leaving until they’d made a decision still stood.

“Stay forever?” Hawkeye was only half joking

“Maybe” He matched her tone “It would at least make a funny story. Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, freezes to death in a telephone box” 

H e laughed at the absurdity and she joined him, adding “Don’t forget that you are a penniless ex-Fuhrer”

As he laughed at that fact a memory hit him “Wait. We aren’t penniless!” He scrambled to his feet, suddenly animated “Fullmetal owes me 520 cenz. And he called me a miser for remembering!” Edward had come to Central for the trail and would still be around somewhere.

“520 cenz?” Hawkeye asked. He could hear her raised eyebrow. 

He laughed again and held out his hand to her “It’ll buy two coffees and stop us freezing for a little while” 

She accepted it but didn’t get up “So...is this it? Our decision is to get coffee?” He could hear her reluctance. This wasn’t the answer she’d wanted. 

He kept hold of her hand as he said “I know it’s not what we came here for. But...it’s **a** decision. It’s something. I’ll take that over freezing to death”

“I suppose that works” Hawkeye’s grip on his hand tightening as she rose to her feet “You know that this will happen again?”

“I know. And when it happens again, we can get another coffee. If we get sick of coffee…” He trailed off. He didn’t know what they’d do then- obviously, or they could do that now.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it?” Hawkeye suggested, linking her elbow with his.

“If we get to it”

“We’ll get to it” She insisted then relaxed slightly “But until then, we can get coffee”

“That sounds perfect” Mustang said, taking off his scarf again and draping it over her shoulders “Let’s go hunt down a child”

She laughed again making Mustang smile wider. He pushed open the door and together, they stepped out into the rain.


End file.
